I've got some things on my mind that need letting out. What better way than typing it up onto my lj? After all, that's was a journal's for, right? An impersonal way to put down my thoughts down and no one in my family can accidently come across it in my room, so I'm going to milk this for all it's worth. For today, at least.
Today, August 14, 2009, marks my best friend's baby's 6 months. I am beyond excited. I get to meet him soon.
I miss her. I wish we hadn't moved. I really don't want to be anymore. Nothing will be the same, and I know that it's childish to say, and stupid to wish, but I wish it was back to the way things were. I wish I was still with her, and I wish I was their when the baby came. I wish I could trust my dad and not feel an ounce of fear toward him all the time. I wish I could cry. I wish I had someone real to talk to, and not my imagination. Someone to keep me in check, but willing and able to listen to my woes. I want someone to listen to, someone who trusts me enough to tell me everything. I wish I wanted to listen to someone like that. I wish I wsn't so selfish, but, on the inside, who isn't?
Mom trusts Dad all of a sudden again. What ever happened to that talk we all had, where we all cried and you said you couldn't live with him anymore? Why is it that I can read a book or watch a movie where something like this happens and I want them to get back together, but I can't do that with my own parents?
I want to go somewhere new, somewhere almost foreign. Why? I don't know. But somewhere else would be nice. A flat in London. An appartment in Japan. A plantation-like home in Georgia. I admit, it isn't so bad here. I might even come to like the snow. In fact, I don't think I dislike the snow, not really. I have this stupid habit of trying to be like the characters in books. Bella doesn't like snow. Severus is smart and well read. Harry is deaf and can do sign language. Stargirl writes letters to an old friend.
I wish I didn't feel so alone. I miss her so much it hurts sometimes. I don't really have close friends here, someone I can call on a whim and talk to for hours on end. Someone to spend the night with. Someone to kiss, to hold, to protect. Someone I can cry in front of. I can't do that anymore. It's hard to cry even when no one else is in the room, because I am there. I look down at myself when I cry. It feels pityfully inadequate to cry. Not enough emotion.
What am I? I told someone that I was bi, but am I truly? What do I really want, what do I really need? I want to hold someone, protect them from the world, but I want to be held close to someone's chest. I want to be with someone small so I can curl up with them against my side, but I want to curl up against someone big and strong, too.
How is it music can have such an influence on me? A song will come up just when I feel like it describes.
Well tonight if you turn your radio on
You might hear a sad, sad song
About someone who lost everything they had.
It may sound like me, but I'm a little bluer than that.
When you look out in the mornin' you might see
Clouds rollin' by like memories
And a big ol' sky, above you lookin' back
You might think of me, but I'm a little bluer than that.
You know how people usually stay in one place? We haven't. I wish I had stayed in just one high school, and I wish I cared that we might move again. I wish I knew what I wanted to do.
Take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the mornin' of your very first day.
Say "hi" to you friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and your gonna be here for the next four years in this town.
Hopin' one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know I have seen you around before."
Should I move to Grandma's after high school? That'd be nice, to be in a small town. I can learn from Grandpa and Grandma can teach me how to cook good food.
On certain Sundays in November
When the weather bothers me
I empty drawers of other summers
Where my shadows used to be.
She is standing by the water
As her smile begins to curl
In this or any other summer
She is something all together different
Never just an ordinary girl.
In the evenings on Long Island
When the colors start to fade
She wears a silly yellow hat
That someone gave her when she stayed
I didn't think that she returned it.
We left New York in a whirl
Time expands and then contracts
When you are spinning in the grips of someone
Who is not an ordinary girl
When you sleep, you find your mother in the night
But she stays just out of sight
So there isn't any sweetness in the dreaming
And when you wake, the morning covers you in light
And it makes you feel alright,
But it's just the same hard candy you're remembering again
You send your lover off to China
And you wait for her to call
You put your girl up on a pedistool
And you wait for her to fall.
I put my summers back in a letter
And I hide it from the world
All the regrets you can't forget
Are somehow pressed upon a picture
In the face of such an ordinary girl.
Thank you for listening.
Current Music: "Darkness Takes Over"-Nicholas Hooper (from HP & OotP)